I have been struggling with a heavy decision in my life. And, as life would have it, with one decision, comes infinitely more decisions, whether tiny to small to big to large. Decisions, make up ones life. And my decision yesterday was a direct interaction with someone very special to me: my partner. They will be known as Egg going forward.
I have been seriously looking into getting FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery)since 2014. I have come close multiple times. This was one of those times where I was sooooo close. The only thing that stopped the surgery from going ahead is that the hospital I was going to have the surgery at, did not have an opening before the end of 2025. That. That alone. They did not a day. One day, one night.
I have been pushing so hard to have this surgery before the end of the year, because, right, you guessed it - I hit my out-of-pocket maximum, therefore would not have to pay and extra 2500$. The surgeons team, who has been working so hard behind the scene just to get this approved, has said they will see if they can get the surgeon permissions at another hospital within the system. I started plotting and planning, trying to see if there was a way I could come up with the extra money, and have the surgery at the beginning of 2026. I was pushing hard, as I have been these last few years, only to come up short again.
Also, last night, Egg and I had a talk. Long story short - she says decisions in our marriage are heavily unbalanced, favoring me. And yeah, now that she has brought up what she has, I’m sure, held close for so long, I can see it. Transition, and everything that comes with it, is hard for the partner. They go through their own transition, and often, it is a transition in silence; where the trans person celebrates out loud, and this kind of thing can build both, happiness, and upset, at the same time. Happiness, because you want to see your partner happy; sadness, because, all too often, the partner’s feelings come second. And that is what Egg was/is feeling. In short, that I have been selfish in a lot of things, and looking back, it is true. I mean, I was willing to sink us into bigtime debt just to have the bones of my face smashed and reconstructed. Okay, that is not exactly how it goes, but you get the picture
I also had to face the fact that our bestie, and my partner, called me out, telling me that I am still in an episode. I have bipolar disorder I, and have been in a manic episode since March. I think it is time to back up and reflect on the choices I made, and the drive that forced these choices to mount another charge up that FFS hill. I do have a large amount of dysphoria regarding my face. I think I look a man, a get at reinforcement daily. There is a need for FFS, but for now, that is on the back burner.
Egg has never traveled much. her parents were not travelers. Along, with bestie, Egg and I planned to go to London in 2028. This is because besties favorite band is Duran Duran, and I believe they are playing a 50th anniversary show(?). Don’t quote me on that. Anyway, Egg really wants to go to Scotland, and I would too. So, Scotland, parts of England, Wales, and Ireland. That is the plan. So, instead of incurring all that debt from FFS, we made the decision to focus on the 2028 trip. It hurts my heart to hear that I have been selfish a lot throughout our time together hurts. But, looking back, it is true. And I hate that about me. In other areas of my life, I am such a giver; but, closer to home, I lost the plot. So Egg, I am sorry about that. I will work to better that.
Decisions, whether small or large, are preordained. Nothing in life is a coincidence. The decisions you make take you down the path your life was intended to live (in this time, in this space, in this evolution) for better or worse. And mine, while not losing everything worse, have damaged the foundation of once was an unmovable object.
Time to put in the necessary work. Recognize the patterns, and, if you don’t, when people tell you, you believe them, and work to make better decisions (that last part was for me.)
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