The train was comfortable, and not at all full. I had already let my friend know the particulars: train number, station of arrival, time of arrival - those things.
My mind, of course was doing mental gymnastics. Games of “what ifs”, and yeah, I was super nervous. I realized, like really understood down to the marrow, what I was doing by getting on this train. I knew of the potential. The talking was done. Yet, as the train was moving me toward my destination, I began to feel a sense of calm flood me.
Photo by Maroš Verba on Unsplash
30 minutes. Half an hour. Now, the nerves begin to pick up. I told my partner that I was going to meet an internet friend, and that part was 100% true. No lies detected. Then, my stomach started to turn, and my eyes started to blur with the unmistakable well of tears that had begun streaming down my cheeks. I was silently crying, crying because I knew what I was doing. I knew what I desired, and with each passing minute, I was getting closer to her. I had to admit it. And I had to write it down. I had consciously, by getting on this train, by travelling 2 hours away, with all the nights, all the hours spent building this friendship that was turning into something else rapidly. My heart began to beat heavy and fast against my ribcage, each intake of breath another painful reminder, that I had made the decision to cheat of my wife…
I arrived at the station, and there was my friend - beautiful. A welcomed sight, for from that point my mind was at ease. She handed me a black tea, strong. mmmm, as I took a sip. We took a moment to look at each other in the station. Then, a hug. Wow, zing!!! That hug did it. Against all of my rules, and other words of intimacy that were spoken with my partner back home, I immediately, with that one hug, knew that we were going to hit it off. The fucking energy coming off of my friend - barely contained desire. And I could hardly control myself. “Let’s go”, she gestured towards the other side of the station.
We got to her car, Honda CRV, crossover, suv type thing. Stuff put on the back seat. She starts by being blunt: “You know what is going to happen, right? By you making this trip, by the very nature that you are in my car, and we are going to my place.” The implication, the choice weighed heavy and thick as molasses in the air that we were already sharing; breathe in, breathe out, maintain a regular rhythm. Don’t over think it. “We have had these conversations for weeks”, I said softly. I had made my mind up weeks ago, and except for a blip on the train ride, I knew I needed to do this. Yes, sexy time; but, also, energy. We had a strong relationship online, finishing each other’s sentences, feeding off of each other’s intensity. Was this the true beginning of our relationship. Then, the question - “what does your wife know about this, about us"? “She knows that we talk most nights. She knows that our draw towards each other was organic, and that it is strong.” “She only knows that I came up here to meet you, to hang with you…” My voice trailed off, as my friend studied my face. Finally, she said, “Alright, off to my place.” And with those words, my fate, me and my wife’s destiny, and me and my friend’s relationship changed into something that would be super complicated…
to be continued…maybe
